Ahem...

I'M GOING TO DOHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOP WHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem...

On things which i do not understand...

Ok, so there's a lot of them, in fact pretty much everything in the world! The trouble is of course that i really do want to understand everything. But just for today let's go with the big one. Love. this probably isn't going to be a very long post because i'm probably going to run out of motivation in a hurry and also there's going to be a lot of self censorship seeing as this is in the public domain, but i guess when it comes down to it, I just don't understand how we ever move on from someone who we've fallen in love with. I know all of the cliches even though they'r probably quite accurate, like it just takes time and you just need to find someone else, plenty more fish in the sea and all that. Yeah! Bollocks! These things might all be actually true, what's the Cherry Poppin' Daddies lyric? "Lonely sex with a desperate heart is the way to get over someone just to get under someone else." yeah well that's all well and good but it's certainly not the most emotionally healthy thing to do and i'm sure as hell convinced that you don't actually get over them. You just move on to someone new and bury your feelings from the other person where not even you can find them. okay so if i sound a little bitter its true but the point is still the same, moving on and falling out of love with someone are 2 very different things. and what happens if you don't want to move on? I mean I want to move on because i don't want to be alone dreaming this impossible dream for the rest of my life and i admit there are a lot of obstacles in the way of a happy long lasting relationship and plus i've been in love before and probably will again but still, it ain't strawberries and cream! and the biggest thing is that i really love her and this is even before we were really able to spend enough quality time together to fall in love! so maybe that's why it's so hard, because i'm longing for the relationship we should have had rather than the one we did have. i just don't know where i am in the world anymore, but i do know that she's beautiful and i miss her terribly, i don't expect anything to happen i'm just telling the world how i feel, and maybe one day something will change and i'll understand the world a little bit better, until then i guess i will just continue on with life and wait for my epipahny to take hold! and as the great man John Lennon once said, "All you need is love!" Hold on and keep faith!

Home sweet home?

I had a realisation today, just this minute in fact whilst looking out at the horribly lovely Melbourne weather, (you know that really awful light drizzle that just goes and on, not heavy enough to be actually called rain but heavy and constant enough to soak everything and make the day miserable, oh yeah and did I mention its Melbourne so its bloody cold as well.) and having thoughts of longing for Darwin. Well… yes it’s a warm place to go in winter but there is a little more to the story, you see coming up in August is the Darwin Arts Festival and I think I’d really like to go up to work on it. Ok… so there’s still just a little more to the story because of someone else who may or may not be up there too, but that’s not really the reason why I want to go, in fact it was actually a reason for not going for a while, yay for my paranoid mind, but I’ve kind of decided that I’d like to go anyway because... well, I think I need a change, of scenery that’s is. You see I like Melbourne, its my home and I think it always will be, on some level this is the city I’ve grown up in and it really does feel like home, but lately home is starting to look a little tired and whilst Melburnians are always very proud of their shit weather and often comment in how much they enjoy it, and we really do, sometimes, I think that now that the idea and possibility of going somewhere warm for a winter month is very appealing. Also because all my friends seem to be going off to other cities and places to work and what not, and I just feel like I’m stuck here in a sort of rut, not that I really am, it just kinda feels that way at the moment so maybe I just need to get out of here for a while, not move permanently or anything, not just yet anyway. Although I really think that I want to maybe move to somewhere like Sydney or maybe Perth for a while just to work and see what its like, of course I don’t have quite as much reason to anymore, but I still think its something I’d like to do anyway, one day! No I think maybe what I need is to go and work on a festival somewhere not Melbourne, or maybe a good tour, I’d like to tour, trouble is there doesn’t seem to be that many jobs of that sort going that I think I could do, or would get, or whatever, my paranoia again. Well there’s maybe something coming up but I’m not holding my breath, and to be honest not really holding it for Darwin either but we’ll wait and see, all I know is at this moment I think I’m a bit tired of it all and I’m looking for new pastures. (Sorry not sure where the agricultural metaphor came from.) some would call it running away from facing up to what I’m doing with my life, I’m going to call it broadening my horizons, you can make up your own minds! (oh yeah, sorry Swong but the post I wrote ages ago and haven’t actually published, yeah, well I read it again and its not really for human consumption, gonna have to go in the journal for no eyes but mine I’m afraid! Well its not really that bad just… yeah self censorship much!) (oh yeah and tell Gene, car obviously decided she really needed a service and so forced my hand because my window is completely stuffed so she’s getting her service finally, probably a good thing! Just thought he’d find it amusing!)

Red wine is good for you!

It’s true I read it somewhere! Or heard it, it’s one of those old folk tales you know? Anyway… on a science level I think its something to do with anti-oxidants… I think? And only like a glass a day, not a 6 bottles. But apparently it’s only red and not white, go figure. Mind you Jesus turned water into wine at the wedding at Caana (sure that’s not how you spell it but don’t care!) so that’s gotta be a pretty heavy endorsement in anyone’s book doesn’t it, well unless you’re Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu, Taoist, Scientologist, Jedi, then I guess you couldn’t really give a toss! But I’m still pretty sure Jesus was a red drinker, I mean when you look through the bible it’s full of wine, but I can’t really see Jesus changing water into a nice light Riesling can you? No I think it was probably a well rounded cabernet sauvignon. And I can’t see them serving a cheeky little chardonnay at the last supper, I mean the guy knows he’s about to get the shit beaten out of him and then get nailed to a tree, a full bodied shiraz is the only way to go! (actually if I knew that was gonna happen to me I’d be straight into the Mezcal but that’s just me!) Anyway I’m not telling you alcoholics anything you don’t know am I? Any excuse will do, and that’s what I’m looking for really an excuse to open the nice bottle of wine on my kitchen bench. “Well go on then,” I hear you cry, “what are you waiting for?” And I know, I know, any excuse is a good one right? If I want to open it and drink it then I should just go right ahead and do it. But you see it’s not that easy cause I’ve had another day of not doing anything (well not entirely true I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and I’m sitting here writing which is a good thing I guess, see yesterday’s post for further explanation on why writing anything is good!) so I have to weigh up the desire for wine against the guilt of drinking without a good enough reason. Plus Nic doesn’t drink red so I’ll be drinking it by myself which is not the best of looks but I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, still (oh for those confused Nic is my housemate, yes a Nick living with a Nic, not confusing at all.) But the other reason… and this is the clincher, if you’re going to drink red wine you really should do it with some good food, and I have nothing planned for dinner, or at least nothing exciting! Maybe Nic will come home and cook something fabulous for dinner, hey it’s gotta happen one day!

(Just going to take a brief interim here to talk about the word ‘fabulous’. Now… I’d like some feedback on this if possible, but first I’m going o have to tell you all a little story which will be a bit soppy and bore everyone who isn’t me’s socks off but that’s ok this page is supposed to be all about so bear with me or sod off! Anyway… the story… You see, I’m a sponge, no I don’t mean I’m a synthetic square (or any exciting shape really, check out the sponge range at the supermarket one day it’s fantastic, they come in all shapes sizes and colours, I’m holding out for the Paris Hilton lookalike one though you could invite people round to see it and no one would notice that it wasn’t a real person! God I hate that dozy bint!) Sorry I digress again… yeah I’m a sponge, especially when it comes to language and mannerisms, and emotional states too which I didn’t realise till recently, anyway so lots of my catch phrases and gestures are borrowed (without breaching copyright?) from other people, TV shows, books, who I have been spending a lot of time with, examples- stupid, pronounced “stoopid”, from Gene and Sarah, “much” at the end of a sentence as in ‘interrupting the narrative flow much’, “shiny” and “gorram” from the amazing Joss Whedon and “Chicken…. Goood” from the 5th Element, and “who’d a thunk it?” from a triple J promo of all places but it’s really stuck! (wow… this is long winding story and I haven’t even really started telling it yet, are you lost cause I’ve got no idea what’s going on!) Sooo… Oh yeah… recently I’ve been spending a lot of time with a very beautiful young lady named Anneke who alas has returned home to Sydney, (if you’re reading this sweet girl I miss you lots, and I hope you’re laughing at my rambling story because I think you’re the only one who actually likes listening to my crazy wandering little narratives and I love you for it! xoxox) but she says fabulous a lot and so consequently I’ve started saying it too, stuff that once was cool or nice have suddenly become fabulous, which I think is fantastic (or fabulous even! Hee hee hee!!!) because I’ve decided I really like the word, but alas there’s a problem. It’s very hard, if you’re a guy, to say the word fabulous in a sentence and not sound incredibly camp! Go on now all you macho hetero’s out there, give it a go now… see! How is it that a word can just sound camp? What is it that’s happened in our society that words are picking a sexuality in which they feel most comfortable, I mean are there words then that sound straight? I just think it’s kind of bizarre how this happened and no one told me, there could have at least been a memo! So this is what I reckon Camp men of the world you owe us straight guys some words back! If we find any words that have become overtly straight we’ll try and camp them up a bit and send them back to you too but we’d at least like ours back. Ok… that may have been a little silly and I’ve probably just unintentionally offended every gay person in the world but do see where I’m coming from? How strange that words have become sexuality biased, I mean I just wanna be able to say something’s fabulous! Why is the world so difficult? So yeah that my little(?) story on the way of things for today, now back to the main argument WINE!)

Where was I? wine… yes… oh and not having food to go with it, hmmm… so pizza goes really well with red, damn I wish I hadn’t thought of that, take away food is bad M’kay! But I just can’t be bothered cooking… and oh my god lets not go down that road cause it’s a whole other argument! When it comes down to it it’s a pretty pathetic argument really isn’t! I mean who cares have it don’t have just make a freaking decision, think I could write a PHD thesis on procrastinating about pretty much any topic. So yes pathetic really, and who is a better example of pathetic wino (Just another little side on that word, did you know Johnny Depp had a tattoo saying Winona Forever and when they broke up he got it changed to say Wino Forever and now lives in the south of France and has 2 kids to Vannessa Paradis, there really isn’t anyone cooler on the whole planet is there? Who else could get away with that huh? And an amazing actor to boot, what a bastard!) than the great Bernard Black, and when asked if he was pathetic what did he reply? Well in you’re best bad Irish accent reapeat after me, “You know there are times, just sometimes between you’re first cigarette with coffee in the early afternoon and you’re tenth bottle of corner shop piss in the evening, you know there are sometimes when you just stop and look at yourself and think… this is fantastic!”

Wow… what a rant, after that I think I need a drink! I wonder if there’s any beer in the fridge?

apathy loves company

Ok sports fans, so it’s been a long time coming but I told you I wasn’t gonna post regularly so deal with it! So I’ve got a question… well actually I’ve got so many questions its not funny, like what’s the square root of all the sides of an acute triangle made by connecting the points between earth Jupiter and the sun? What’s the secret to a good raspberry soufflé? How do we achieve peace in the Middle East? Why won’t reality TV just die? Does my bum look big in this? What is happiness? Why is love so hard? Why are Melbourne and Sydney so far apart? You get the picture. But I digress…

My question is this: why am I so consumed by apathy? I don’t get it, every time I have more than a couple of days off I seem to just fall into this hole of unmotivated sludge and can’t get out of it to save myself. Which is crap because especially at the moment I’ve got all of these things I wanna do that I’ve been neglecting while I’ve been really busy. I could try and use the excuse that I’m nursing a bit of a broken heart at the moment but that doesn’t really wash because I’m sure all of my friends are getting so sick of me whining about it that they’re ready to throttle me and anyway that doesn’t apply to all of the other times apathy comes along and swallows me whole.

I keep claiming to be a creative person, that one day I’ll make a great writer I just need a break, well… yeah maybe but we’ll never know if I can’t even get started and write something… anything… PLEASE GOD IN HEAVEN WRITE SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!! How do they do it? Authors, Novelists, Playwrights, Poets, Scriptwriters even Journalists for bollocks sake! Do you have to be amazingly self motivated to do this or am I just missing something? It’s not that I’m a masochistic twat like Chekhov, well anyway not so far as writing goes just with my emotional self. But he hated writing, read some of his stuff you can tell, he calls it comedy! Sicko! Anyway… No that’s not me I quite like writing as this rant will clearly demonstrate, and yes you might be thinking “well nick you’re not doing too badly you’ve got motivation enough to write in you’re blog.” Well that’s a fair point but let me just counter you’re cleverly constructed argument with this: IT’S 5:00PM AND THE ONLY OTHER THING I’VE DONE TODAY IS FINISH A 1 PAGE LETTER I WROTE ¾ OF YESTERDAY AND THIS POSTING HAS TAKEN ME 15MINS SO FAR! WHERE DID THE REST OF THE DAY GO????? (as a side note for those of you playing at home the letter was my application for work on the Brisbane festival, I hope trashbag likes it, she needs to give me work on this like really needs to, MY WHOLE LIFE RESTS ON THIS… ahem… anyway that’s a little random for those not in the know but for… well Swong mostly… it’ll make perfect sense.)

So yes there we have it, motivation, how do you get it? Cause the other thing is it’s not just my writing that suffers, its other things like I’ve been trying to sort out my superannuation but can I do it? Hell no! and then of course I get into a horrible never ending wheel of fire that mine own tears do scald like molten lead, well not quite as bad as Lear but close, I start by saying oh well I just want to write and then I think no I should do like paperwork things like super and job applications so I won’t write until I’ve done those things but the house really needs cleaning and I should cook some food to put in the freezer for when I’m busy again and I should go and by more food but I should like go to the market and buy real and fresh food… and inevitably I do nothing except play free cell or watch Buffy (well Cowboy Bebop at the moment! I’m so addicted, except I’ve actually been good and haven’t watched any so far today!) and get to the end of the day and feel terrible for not having done a single thing I set out to do! And this is the icing on the biggest choc orange apathy cake you’ve ever seen: then I go and get angry with myself for having wasted another day, and the voice in my head that does this uses the most sarcastic pathetic tone I’ve ever heard and then I get angry with myself for getting angry with myself and so the neurosis spirals away without end!
So that was a whole lot more of a neurotic rant than I wanted it to be but well you the viewer asked for a glimpse into my head, well you didn’t really did you, but you kept on reading (much in the way you can’t look away from a train wreck I imagine!) and that’s what it’s like at the moment! Don’t get me wrong, there’s good stuff too! I just wish that sometimes life were a little easier, you know? Not that much, just a little. Just enough so that I didn’t feel like a confused little boy trying to live an adult life by mistake. So anyway… maybe next time I’ll tackle one of the other questions, probably the soufflé one, not enough answers involving soufflés these days dammit! Actually it’ll probably be the one about why Melbourne and Sydney are so far apart! If anyone’s got an answer to that question I’d be forever grateful! But for now stay tuned for the next exciting adventure of “The Crazy World of Nick’s Neurotic Mind” or “Pigs in Spaaaaace!” (and bless all the geeks who get that joke!)

still feeling my way...

okay... so still trying to get used to how this all works. i hope this publishes. probably a reall silly time to start this too seeing as i think i here a plumber knocking on the door. but yay for having a gas and water in our new kitchen!

In the beginning...

Well... all good stories start this way, with a beginning. many never get any further than that and maybe that's what will happen with this, i've mostly started it so i can post comments on sarah's blog but who knows maybe an online journal is something that i'll enjoy publishing from time to time. so here we are at the beginning of the story and who knows where the adventure will lead us? but i guess the important part is that we are out in the world trying to tell stories, because it's only in stories that we can truly understand ourselves. trite and sentimental perhaps but i don't give you a hard time about what you believe in so back off! so go on stop reading this and pick up a good book, or better yet pick up a pen and a blank piece of paper and go out there and find yourself, you might be surprised! go on... i dare you!!!